The Techno-Babble Dictionary: Cold and Flu Season

By Naomi Dolin-Aubertin

You come into work one day, sit down at your computer and go to a website you visit every single day, when wham! there's a giant FBI symbol on your screen telling you you've done something illegal and they are holding your computer hostage until you pay a fine. Even though we all know this is a sham, it still makes us want to turn the computer towards the wall so our coworkers won't see. The worst thing is that you have anti-virus software. Doesn't that cover you from attacks like this? Sadly no. Just as a flu shot won't prevent you from getting the common cold, anti-virus software isn't a catch-all cure. Today we'll discuss the different types of "maladies" your computer might contract.

Malware: Malware stands for malicious software. "'Malware' is a general term used to refer to a variety of forms of hostile or intrusive software." They get into your computer with the general intention of messing around with your network or files. Microsoft describes it as:

typically used as a catch-all term to refer to any software designed to cause damage to a single computer, server, or computer network, whether it's a virus, spyware, et al.

Malware is internet graffiti on a much larger, much more destructive scale.

Virus: A virus is an infection that travels from computer to computer by attaching itself to a file or program. The real kicker with a virus is that it can't infect your computer unless you do something with that file, like opening an email with an infected attachment; kind of like that episode of Friends in which Phoebe rubs her face in dirty tissues because she liked the way her singing voice sounded when she was sick.

Spyware: These are the James Bond and CIA films you never want to see. Spyware is designed to get onto your computer (through a virus or a program) and gather information about you or your organization without your knowledge. The thing about spyware is that its a very hazy idea.

The cookie is a well-known mechanism for storing information about an Internet user on their own computer. If a Web site stores information about you in a cookie that you don't know about, the cookie can be considered a form of spyware. Spyware is part of an overall public concern about privacy on the Internet.[1]

Really, I think they named it a cookie so people would think about baked goods and not the connotation of having a third-party storage device on your computer so they can profile you; which is what spyware is designed to do.

Adware: Adware is what places advertisements on programs you are running. Adware "has been criticized because it usually includes code that tracks a user's personal information and passes it on to third parties, without the user's authorization or knowledge." Just like TV ads, the official idea behind adware is that it helps keeps the consumer's costs down when purchasing (or using a free) product.

http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/T2PdyxMtiYM&source=udsTrojan: A Trojan takes its name from Virgil's Aeneid and Homer's Odyssey, in which the Greeks have been at war with the city of Troy for a decade. Eventually, the Greek hero Odysseus conceives the idea of building a giant wooden horse to gift to the citizens of Troy. Unbeknownst to the Trojans, who take the gift inside their city walls, the horse is full of Greek warriors. At nightfall, the Greeks leave the horse and open the gates to the city and lay waste to it. That's pretty much exactly what a Trojan does. It comes into your computer in the guise of something innocuous or even desirable.My advice: do as the French do in the the Holy Grail and kick that Trojan (rabbit) to the curb.